The latest comments from and about Nice Guys...

From: "Devin Smither"
Subject: COMMENTS: Nice Guys, great stuff
Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2005

Hello,

Really a very nice site and the "Nice Guys" section is priceless as a laugh and as advice. I used to be a "nice guy" myself and would like to think that I have left most or all of those terrible tendencies behind without leaving behind my core ability to care and be *kind*. I want to thank you for spelling out the difference between "kind" (good treatment of others for its own sake) and "nice" (good treatment of others for selfish purposes). I think many men would benefit from understanding this distinction and I'm glad to now be able to put it into words

"The Man With No Spine" really rang a lot of bells for me. I was a virgin till twenty-one. Just before I hit that age, I realized it was me and not women who were the problem and that quickly inspired self-confidence with tendencies toward asshole. I thereafter found (I first wrote "acquired" here rather than "found"--"acquired" might be a more accurate description of what I did at the time) a girlfriend who was a good person, though insecure.

(She was my first *real* girlfriend--I had a summer fling a year before, which enabled me to leave behind the childish belief that physical intimacy equaled a relationship...it also enabled me to get play for the first time.)

This *real* girlfriend--I told her I loved her when I didn't mean it, treated her very badly in the last few months of our relationship, and essentially forced her to break it off because I was too cowardly to do it myself. I spent the next two years single, but not desperately so (thank fucking Christ...I look back with horror at my self-pitying self of nineteen), with one random hook-up at approximately the year marker after the break-up, now thankfully recognized for what it was. I also spent these two years living with and fretting over a girl I'd crushed on since near the beginning of college. She'd slept with a friend of mine sophomore year and I never forgave him... till nearly five years later at his wedding, two years after my break-up. I didn't realize quite how much this had eaten at me until I decided to let it go.

In fact, I think my hang-ups with this girl he'd slept with were much more to do with his betrayal than with my actual attraction to the girl. Not a week after I forgave my friend (forgave him in my own heart--I didn't and don't find it necessary to tell him anything as he never knew the depth and breadth of my jealousy in the first place), I met a wonderful girl. Now I miraculously find myself in what appears to be a stable, mutually giving, respectful relationship with a fellow geek whom I actually, no joke, love. I guess it really is YOU and not everyone else, huh?

Thanks for reading this far, Heartless Bitches. Now I have a little more to say (and ask)

I have a friend who might not quite fit the standard "nice guy" bill, but who certainly does meet the standards of quiet, willful, unrecognized (by himself at least) misogyny that so many "nice guys" have. This friend only attempts to date very attractive girls who are, I'm sorry to say, spineless nothings at best and awful bitches at worst. He hits on girls with some success (he is, in fact, much better at this than I am), but falls apart when it comes to detecting actual chemistry or proper timing. More than once, he's talked about how he "screwed it up somehow" (*sigh*, so typical).

He's that comics-obsessed guy who seems to think some fucking supermodel is going to walk into his life--like that awful "The Nice Guy" web comic you so rightfully ripped to bits. He's also, naturally, a virgin (and rapidly approaching 25)

Lest I paint him too black, I really like him and he has quite a number of female friends who like him as well (and at least two of whom he actually respects!). However, these mutual female friends of ours have lamented with me about his immaturity and blindness with respect to girls. In fact, several of those female friends have *liked* him in the past. He never thought of them that way--he's too hung up on looks, I think, is mostly the problem, though it's not all of it

He's very funny, very intelligent, quite charming, passably attractive (I'd say he would be cute to some girls, though never handsome), and he's a good friend most of the time. He's somewhat self-righteous and can be a bit selfish about certain things, but those are bearable faults, something you just accept as someone being human

I know you're not an advice column, but if you have any insight, I guess my question is: is there anything I or any of his friends can do to wake him up to what he's doing wrong when it comes to his attitude on and perception of women? My guess is no, that he has to discover that for himself, but if you have any other ideas..

[Until your friend actually ADMITS he has a problem, there is nothing you can do. "You can lead a horse to water...." Besides, it's not YOUR job (or anyone else's) to "fix him". We don't chase down NiceGuys trying to repair them - we have pages and pages of information here that THEY have to find. When the are ready to.]

Anyway, thank you again for reading and writing and keep berating those goddamn "nice guys". What most of them need is a swift kick in the ass

--D

Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005
Subject: Male Flame form : Markus Köppen
Name: Markus Köppen

COMMENTS: Dear Heartless Bitches,

a friend posted a link to your "Nice Guys (tm)" rant on a forum. Well, actually, I read it and you are absolutely correct

When I first read this article I felt like you were describing my first (and last) relationship. I fit into the category you call a "Nice Guy"

Now, having read your article I finally know what I need to change about myself and this is why I would like to thank you very much

(I know I am an idiot - forgot to put in my mail address the last time. Thank you though. ;) And though I don't really expect an answer I wouldn't mind you sending me a comment)

Date: Sat, 14 Jan 2006
From: Vivek Saxena
Subject: Kudos
Good Morning,

I love your site. It is right on point about everything. I happen to be a 23 year old can't-get-laid lazy stupid "nice-guy" asshole. I am interested in developing a site called BigDickAssholes.com. It will essentially function with the same premise as your site, but slightly altered to be more relatable to men.

[Gee, I wonder what one has to do to be "more relatable" to men? Use a bigger club?]

[We are not a helpdesk for people looking to create their own websites. Read a book.]

[We don't hand-hold lazy idiots. Grow up.]

[No.]

[I'm especially not interested in helping someone who implies that we are not providing a rational and sane point of view.]

[Another masochist. *sigh*. They really ARE tiresome.]

Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2006
From: mark
Subject: COMMENTS on niceguy=bleah

I just read "Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS" ..

And a lot of it sounded like ME! AAck! yes, I am extremely insecure

no, i don't like myself

And the one time i was in a relationship, i put it on her to make the decisions

I always knew that... SOMETHING.. about me needed to be changed.. Now I know WHAT, And WHY, As for HOW to go about that, I am open to suggestions... (I'll be reading more of your site, for starters..)

Cluelessly,

mark

Forward this page to a Friend

Pause your cursor over each link below for a more detailed description

Want to link to HBI?

  Want to know when we update? Subscribe to our "What's New" RSS Feed

(What is an RSS Feed?)

Get SharpReader - our favorite RSS aggregator - it's free!

If you don't have a Newsreader, you can subscribe to updates via email: