Excuse me, may I borrow your Penis?

I stress, the operative word here is, "borrow". I'm taking myself out of the ownership game. I've been self benched. I've been thinking lately, that being one of the people in a two person relationship is vastly over rated. I realize that I should feel the burning need to bond with a member of the opposite sex in order to feel fulfilled and complete, but frankly, that's about as alien a concept to me as a Barbara Cartland novel on my nightstand. Regretfully, I've wasted the entire first half of my life in the ridiculous quest to find a soul mate. I'm tempted to spend the second half in search of the lunatic who coined the term "soul mate". He should pay. And surely, it was a man who came up with the concept of a soul mate. Only a man would dangle THAT carrot in front of a woman's nose just for the sadistic thrill of watching her try to grab it.

I have a plan. I'm determined to date as much as humanly possible. I emphasize the word "date". That four letter word is not to be confused with relationships and or emotional entanglements. I refuse to become involved in another social arrangement that uses legalities or moral restraints as guides. Been there, bought that tshirt. I'm older, wiser and blonder than I was the last time I was the Esther Williams of the Dating Pool. I'm determined to actually ENJOY dating this time around. The pressure is off. I don't want a life partner. I just want to spend "quality time" with a man. Literally translated, that means: I want only to have sex with men. Great sex. Nothing more meaningful than sex. Accompanied by a few perks. Clear enough?

I'm about to share with you, what I've learned thus far while researching ways to ensure my future happiness. A word of warning: My findings, to date, are not for the feint of heart. With an open mind and a firm resolve to have plenty of "quality time" with men, you will find that following my helpful tips is guaranteed to bring about almost instant results. Now, let's get busy!

You won't find me even looking at a man who's in the mid 30's to mid 40's age group. They're either,

1. Withering in their own loveless marriages,
2. Living with their parents (I refuse to go there.), or
3. Losers.

This age group is what I deem the "Taboo" group. So what's acceptably available? Very young guys, or Much older men. Sure, initially the idea of "they're either too young or too old" repulsed me. I got a grip as soon as I realized , Sweet Jesus, I'm bonding with Rosie the Riveter. As long as one keeps a healthy perspective about dating men who are decades apart in the age/experience game, it's but a short matter of time before she is having the "quality time" she's only before, dared to dream of. For every Woody Allen or Soon Yi out there, there can, and should be a YOU.

There's little danger in finding a stud puppy or a geezer withering in a loveless marriage. The younguns haven't even perfected the relationship skills necessary to go steady. A bit of good news for me. I'm not inclined to "go steady" myself. The older gentlemen have been released from the bonds of matrimony by a circuit court judge or the Hand of God. The adult children of the older gent have drawn up legal papers requiring psychological testing of "dad" as soon as he entertains any thoughts of remarriage. That's your safety clause. Enough said on that. Sounds perfect?. Let's explore even more benefits of dating within these targeted groups.

As for living with the parents, I find I'm very tolerant of young guys still at home with the P's. I have my own place, and I'm licensed to drive a motor vehicle. In other words, privacy and transportation issues are not a problem. There's little danger of having an unwanted guest at the breakfast table if there are parents lurking somewhere in his background. What could pose a problem, is the older gent who's still living with a parent. That could be sticky. But- Instead of dwelling on unpleasant details, it's best to look at the up side, agreed?

The older gent has plenty of free time. Retirement has its privileges! There's usually a pension and nest egg that's begging to be spent, and older guys love to travel. A peek through the windows of any tour bus anywhere in the world is all the proof one needs to know that the White Haired Set gets around, indeed! As for the sex....while perhaps the older gent of your choice has "technical difficulties", since there is no emotional commitment to restrain you, concurrent "mingling" with the younguns negates that pesky flaw! This seems to be the appropriate time to list the up side to dating young guys.1. They whole heartedly endorse the enterprise of loaning out their penises. 2. Sex. Plenty of it. Voila! La Dolce Vita!

Where does one find these potential Dream Dates?
They're everywhere. Surely, you knew that. Men in the "Taboo" group are off the streets during the day time hours due to jobs and or careers <snicker>, and off the streets at night due to stress related fatigue. A quick rule of thumb: If you see males loitering in public, clothed in Nike swishes or Sansabelt, they're usually fair game.

Unsure of how to snag a much younger or much older man? It's wise to experiment a bit before jumping in head first. Do what I did. Get a connection to the Internet. The Cyber air waves are jammed with college students and retired ham radio operators. What better or safer way to put a finger on the pulse of a generation? The "Taboo" group usually doesn't chat via the Internet, but if one happens to slip through the cracks, here's a sure fire way to sniff him out! Keep in mind, in the course of my research, I've found this line of questioning a productive way to strike oil in sniffing out undesirables....

SomeLoser: try me baby Im teh best i'm drinknin and typing to you baby.

ME: If you're such a catch, why are you typing all night, every night? Hmm?

SomeLoser: So what are u wearing?

A word of warning: "SomeLoser" goes by many nick names on the Internet. Usually, there's a reference to his delusions of sexual prowess contained within his chosen nick name. Often, it's misspelled. He is always easily spotted for his lame approach and attempts at "romance". He's the cyber counterpart to the real life men who still wear "Members Only" jackets.

A few months of "dating" in CyberSpace is all one needs to perfect those interpersonal skills necessary for successful superficial relationships!. You'll be ready for real life dating, and all of the wonders a full social life can bring- with self confidence and sophistication to spare! An exercise I find most useful: Envision the time before enlightenment. Go to your "centered place", close those eyes...and dwell on an emotionally committed relationship from your past. If that doesn't trigger an instant anxiety attack, you're not ready for "quality time" as I've defined it. More effort in avoidance of intimacy is indicated.

This condensed guide to certain future happiness is guaranteed to be results oriented. My only regret is that I didn't figure out the path to Dating Nirvana earlier in my life. If I can perfect this routine in this lifetime, I'm sure to spend my next incarnation on this planet as a man! Now what thinking woman wouldn't want THAT carrot dangled before her nose?

Stay tuned for my next installment - "Excuse me, is this penis taken?"